BACK LOGS Part 1 - The Disclaimer

I just had a Snickers Bar.. it costs 95 cents. and it does what a chocolate costing almost 40 rs should do.. makes you feel you ate something.

The reason why I started with the snickers bar is because it reminded me of my habit of multiplying every $ sign by 40 (although i think its currently 43) .. and being reminded of something makes me go through a series of such "being reminded of some other things"...
and thats what made me realise I need to not only update my readers with what has happened in the last two weeks but also clear my backlogs.. the ones that are stored in the memory cells. The expressions and words which were saved during some moments of anger and depression, or joy and happiness at an earlier ancient and un remembered time and which although then were believed to be brought out at a future date, has not yet been really expressed either electronically , vocally, or in the paper form. To really "cut the crap" backlogs is the term I am using for stuff that I thought I will write earlier but did not really have the time or enthusiasm (read..BEING LAZY AS A WHATEVER) to do so.

This one however is going to be one about arbit things. Nothing to do with experiences as such but with people and stuff that I wanted to explain.

Ironically it had to be today that I would be writing about backlogs. For was it not around these fateful dates last year that some words were said , some promises were broken and others made and broken at the same time!!! I feel sorry for the user and the used. For the letter and the letters. For the tear and the tears. But I dont feel sorry for myself. What has happened in this one year or maybe the last few months before coming back to Calcutta (NO I SHALL NOT CHANGE TO THE NEW IDIOTIC NAMED CHOSEN BY THE COMMIES.. FOR EVEN IF I DONT PAINT MY FACE WITH THE UNION JACK..I STILL THINK SOME NAMES WERE MORE GRACIOUS.. AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO POINT WASTING A LOT OF MONEY TRYING TO CHANGE THEM ..ESPECIALLY WHEN IT CAUSES A GREAT DEAL OF PROBLEM OTHERWISE..)
For the only one who (if reading this) actually understands what I am talking about...I have two words for you.. and they are not printable. For not only you had no sensitivity about anyone else you were dumb enough to have no sensitivity for yourself.. but then..

"People are strange when youre a stranger
Faces look ugly when youre alone" -- Jim Morisson

So remain in your glass house and know your idioms well.. for you may be with the best.. but the worst is definitely on its way. ..


OKay.. now for the rest of you mere mortals... This blog read as a disclaimer. So let me remind you I write this blog for myself. I take your opinions and suggestions (normally quite well and peacefully) but if you were in the misconception that it is only about my experiences in a far off land then stop here and read my previous entries. They will let you know that you have more to learn about me. So in case you read something that you do not understand... do not worry. It was probably meant for you to not understand it. So dont fret. Read it as an expression of truth, read it as if you are suddenly in front of a vent which throws random words at you. words with which you can make a face, but you cannot recognize it. For you may not have seen the face ever. Words that MIGHT remind you of an experience you went through but was at a tremendous loss of words to express them and maybe now silently thanking me that you can now see your silent expressions in front of you , only in someone else's words. Words that might just flow in front of you as a dirty stream of unwanted information and you should make the wise decision of not dipping your feet in it. Words that you might feel have the power to shake you, but you missed it because you are not in the way of the storm. Words that might just be blank.. if you think they are.. so lets keep it there. Blank words. Blank stare.. The paragraphs finished my dear.

The other day some of my friends started asking me why I have such a weird name ? Well they didnt mean my actual name which had already gone through the common jokes of pan masalas, sarees, butters and ghee.. (Nowadays I introduce myself as Pan .......it helps. You see for the americans its just a random collection of words to be pronounced the way the person in context wants it to be pronounced. But for us Indians, its an Indian name.. we want to pronounce it correctly.. and therefore. we never get it right.. or rather make all the possible mistakes by trying our individual pronunciation tricks on it. But then we all know how Pan ....... is pronounced in the television advertisements.. So that helps! )

Psychocancer ..... didnt mean anything when I thought of the name at first. It was simply a name. Like Tom. And just like Tom is the shortened form of Thomas the same way Psychocancer was the shortened form of Psychologically interested Cancerian. But nooooo... people need things to make fun of ... but not interested to use their minds.. if they have them that is.. ("mind" you.. i meant mind. and not intellect for I am sure you have intellect or else you would not be reading this)

So here goes.. for all those who really want all names to have meanings.. (I wonder what they will do when confronted by a society that has names with no meanings ....)

Psyche - That which is responsible for one's thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason ALSO The immaterial part of a person; the actuating cause of an individual life(1)

Cancer - Any malignant growth or tumour caused by abnormal and uncontrolled cell division; it may spread to other parts of the body through the lymphatic system or the blood stream(1)

So ... I am that cancer.. that abnormal and uncontrolled cell division of the mind, of the immaterial part of the person , the actuating cause of an individual life. I am the uncontrollable force that divides your mind and forces you to think ...cause most of you dont. You wait for others to think for you and then feed their thoughts onto you so that you can vaguely analyse them, see them as problems with or without solutions and therefore forget or remember (and be scared about) them. I am that psycho (a person afflicted with psychosis; psychosis - Any severe mental disorder in which contact with reality is lost or highly distorted) who has no fixed frame of reference .. who does not want to believe something as real just because 51% of the population considers it so and therefor it has to be believed.. If today I say I believe in Matrix and Fight Club as reality that has not hit us yet you will probably laugh at me and then start wondering what if it is true. I am that unreal force that you know exists in your mind but you want to not believe in it because then others will scorn you.

Does that satisfy you... O Lords of Truths. O Those Who Have No Idea What Is Right Or Wrong ? O Those Whose Time Flies Not Because They Waste Them But Because They Have No Idea What Time Is ?

And if this still does not satisfy you, read "Its Okay". You SHOULD understand.. and even then if you dont.. you probably dont exist..rather you shouldnt !

What else ?

Ah yes..

There were some more things I had to say that would be only understood by only a select group of people, some of whom maybe even unaware of the existence of this blog. And I wish they read it. And I wish they read them all.. for gone are those days when I would be sitting in my room crying about why and how I lost a chance to understand someone. For I know I have understood more than I was allowed to and that did not help for understanding is a process that does not happen one way. And especially when that one way understanding is labelled as unwanted ... you get hurt more. So here goes.

Be aware of your insecurities. Be aware of what you missed. Be aware of what was to be for you will never be for you ever again. And be aware that it was your fault. Mistakes are innocent. They can happen once, twice.. maybe twenty times. But they cant happen always. And when they do, they comprise of what is known as a fault. So here you are suddenly awake and probably just aware that you have a fault. What now ? Who do you hide from ? Who do you try to make happy ? How does it matter if you make everyone around you happy when you yourself are not happy? How does it help if you blind fold yourself and jump from a cliff and then shout and say you had no choice ? How does it help to selectively remove your decision making powers and then say it was somebody else's decision and therefore not your fault? How long are you going to run from the truth of not being true to yourself and therefore others? It is not last July I am talking about? It is this April to June I am talking about that made the last July worse..but then lets just all pray everyone is happy. Because I am happy. And trust me... "Happy"ness is with me ! Amen.

Final Disclaimer :

As I said this blog is like a cloud formation. You will understand parts of it if you saw it from the first go. And someone else might interpret things completely different from the same. And at times you will only understand some things only when others show you to them. And that other wont be me. I do not stand responsible for any or all interpretations that you make. For an interpretation is personal. And like all sane minded good Samaritans I do not influence or try to change anyone else's personal belongings. I also do not answer questions on any statements made here. I quietly hear any scorn or piece of humour thrown on me or this blog ..and if it exceeds the weekly sense of humour limit I have been pre allotted for that week it comes out on the next blog. But I do not answer questions.. !! So happy interpretations. One tip.. If you dont understand it dont try to. And if you understand part of it then try your best to remove that part of your understanding because partial understanding is worse. And if you understand all of it dont come to me, grinning and say "I understood all of it" because it wont be appreciated. If you did understood all of my psychotic ramblings be quiet. Or you might be confused as one of me... psychotic... carcinogenic.. and therefore ... not quite in his senses!!

The last Back Log - yes .. coming to what most of you were waiting for.. the latest news at the Hottest Ivy In America.. that comes as part 2.

And that will come in another 2 hrs..after Bourne Supremacy CD 2 and packed dinner from a Chinese joint names Apollo something. Whats in it? In the next blog ?! :D








(1) The word meanings have been taken from WordWeb Software. Its an amazing software and I have it on my laptop. You guys should have it too. WordWeb doesnt pay me for this advertisement but then maybe this advertisement would avoid any lawsuits they might have wanted to file against me for using their meanings ! So please get the Wordweb software... especially for those who are interested in meanings.. and maybe in that context you should read up on Arthur Schopenhauer!