The Promise

This is for the promise that I couldnt keep but I had in mind for the last few weeks.

For all those who have sometimes in the last half year visited this site and wondered why I was not writing, I can only say "thank you". I know some of you. Others I dont, and some of you might have already deserted this blog they way I had deserted it, even though it was mine. But every instance when I had a little bit of time free I would be wanting to write desperately, starting, and then only resorting to the save draft button because I had to attend to something that needed to be done, right then. Obviously blogging isnt such a necessity that can be justified right?

You cant tell anyone, I need to blog or I will not be able to be myself or etc etc. because more often than not, people will not believe it.

The only reason I am trying to come up with this lame self pitious scribblings is because I wanted you to know that I too miss my blog as do some of you. And it was not out of disrespect that I was not writing. It was only out of inability to manage time. And that is completely my own fault and I do not blame anything for it.

How can I. For those who have been fortunate enough to not be in contact with me by means of telecommunications would not know that I have been equally irregular in listening to voicemails, taking phone calls, keeping promises about phone calls, calling people who really needed to talk, to the point of null. In some sort of sadistic explanation, this might be taking these same people for granted, because they are so close to me. But everytime such a thing has happened I have felt guilty. And yet done nothing about it, because there was no time.

This brings me to a question a friend asked some time back. Her boyfriend is a grad student too at a prestigious institution in the US. Her question was, both are grad students. How come one has the time to go hiking, play bridge, volleyball and you dont have time for your family and friends. My answer other than the acceptance of the fact that I wasnt a great time manager was in five parts.

1) My boss is an Assistant Professor. It is the first academic position you hold after you have completed your research interests and still you are not free. Every assistant prof. needs to show his University that the money they have spent on him/her is worth it after five years. This is called a tenure talk. If he passes this, he gets hired by the University permanently. If he doesnt he has to leave and join another university. Working under assistant professors therefore includes a little more hardwork than otherwise. It has its own share of advantages though. He is very young and therefore also open to ideas from his students. The not so prominent age gap also helps in making the boss-employee.. in this case prof-grad student relationship ... better and less formal.

2) We are not the only one working on the project we are currently pursuing. There is a group in another prestigious Ivy, one in Germany and one in Korea, trying to solve the same puzzle. Some of them are also not very ethical fighters when it comes to publications. Consequently, to quote my boss, "Look at any way you want, our competition never sleeps".

3) I am still not a full time Research Scientist. I still have a job of teaching undergraduate students. This is a rewarding experience when it comes to interacting with young undergraduates who remind you about your own undergraduate life and the excitement of it. It also reminds you about why you lost your points in 'your' University exam, when you grade their exams. But however exhilarating it might be, the entire concept and act of "grading", makes me hate the whole idea of TA-ing. This was not so, last year when I did not have research responsibilities of a high order. But now, every minute or hour I spent on grading a seemingly useless lab report, I feel I am not doing something that would further my research. I am waiting for this next semester to be over because then I will be only spending time on my research.

4) Unlike a lot of people I do not believe in half hearted conversations. This leads to a lot of problems. But I would rather not talk than talk for 10 minutes. Because to me a conversation, especially on phone requires time for ice breaking, then re-covering the old comfort zone, then settling down into it, enjoying it, and then coming to a conclusion. Give 5 minutes to each of them (I would give 10) and you will reach atleast half an hour. Give 10 minutes, its an hour long conversation. Add 10 minutes of being shouted at for not picking up the phone for the zillion times before and thats a normal conversation with my sister , something that has not happened for quite some time, and something i long for, and something for which this blog is dedicated to.

5) Finally, there are only 24 hrs in a day and therefore one can only spend this much amount of time. Its only a matter of simple calculation to figure out where would the time go if one spends time only on certain important things in life.

This probably still doesnt answer why I dont play volleyball or bridge or hike.. Well I dont know how to play these...!! and I do hike. Everyday..... come to Ithaca.. you will know. They dont just use the pun .. "Ithaca is Gorges" for nothing!

I do spend my time on the occasional guitar spot that I have created in my room. Soon with a newer faster desktop that I am intending to buy I would be able to record and mix the way I want to.

I do spend a little time downloading Indian Rock Music and finding new bands on Myspace.

However I dont blog regularly. Not just because I dont find a complete stretch of time to finish it, because I dont like unfinished writings, but because I also dont think nowadays as I used to earlier. Not the way I used to. I still look at people on the road and buses and try to gauge them. I still feel nice about the cold wind hitting my face while I trudge along the vast snow covered region. I still feel kinda sad that I dont hear the hulabaloo of life around me as I used to in Delhi or Kolkata. I still try to imagine myself as the lead guitarist of my band but it isnt complete with the others. But I dont seem to come up with new things to write about. Even if I do I cant seem to remember them. And when I do remember them, I dont write them down in some scrap pieces of paper because I always believe in writing straight from the mind. And thus it goes on. The cycle of forced procrastination, subconscious amnesia and selective self guilt so that the basic priorities in life are taken care of. And after all , one cannot consider one's own selfish interests to be always the biggest priorities in life, especially if others are also associated with it.

I hope this blog did justice to the one person it was promised to, a long long long time ago !!!!