Blackbody Part 1

I have been wanting to write for a really long time.
So long that I have forgotten which and when was the last time I posted for real.

Now this last line somehow triggers something somewhere in my mind, which lets out a small line of thought, rather a question ... "By that sentence then, do I really mean, that I dont consider any post that is less than 50 lines worthy of being called a post?" The answer comes probably from the other end of the mind. The one that knows that the question will be asked and has prepared for this answer even before I knew that this question was even conjured by that part of my mind which i cant control....

"No"
"Because of the few blogs that I have read, one of the blogs that I like the most has one line posts that to me mean a lot more than an entire page of writing"

But then would I ever make one line posts? Maybe someday. Not today definitely. But maybe someday.

With that initial introduction I ask myself, what did I want to write?
My mind answers with silence and I know that that is the best possible answer for in silence lies the beauty of a thousand words, unsaid, unphrased yet felt so immensely that the vocal chord does not bother to misjudge the importance of it by putting words to express it.

Its been a while that I have spent hours tuning and playing my guitar. Its been a while I have let myself stare blankly at the passing traffic trying to concentrate on birds chirping the way I sometimes try to hear the bass riffs in a heavy metal song trying to block out the guitar tones and the drum beats. Its been a while that I have walked only to walk or talked to myself. Its been a while that I have thought about things that other people would think is a waste of time. Its been a while that I have realised that I am taking a break while and during taking a break without feeling guilty about it.

I dont think I deserve to do all or some or any of this until I actually finish the other stuff that I am supposed to do. My job, problem sets, duties, etc etc. and I wait for the day when I can do all of these stuff again. The wait does not bother me. What does is the feeling that even though I know that the I will become myself, during that time, others have changed, thinking that I am not myself anymore. What bothers is that I know this, and know that others dont know that I know this. What bothers is that others dont know.

Its been a while I have felt sad about things that I used to feel happy about. Its been a while that I have let myself be and have not cared of what others think. Its been a while that I have been the rebel that I am and broken away from the codes of predictability. Its been a while that I have been spoken to arbitrary strangers without being led to beleive that I am doing something wrong. Its been a while that I have taken time to build the wall so that they cant enter. Its been a while that I have actually spoken.

I have been right here at the place where I am, not gone anywhere where I dont want to go. Not done anything that I dont want to do and yet at certain points when I stop to catch my breath after running to the department to attend the morning recitation that I cant miss, (not because I want to learn, but because I want to teach) or when I am choked with chalk dust for the same above, or when I am walking to or lab on a rainy day, and see the mist form over downtown from a distance and can feel the moist wind blow into me, or when I take the bus back home really late at night on a friday and notice that I am the only one with a bag and an empty stomach and and yet an almost unsober mind...I dont ponder to ask myself why....I simply stop... and stare.

Over the last few weeks I have heard pieces of information concering and not concerning me and have wanted to reply to a few of them, in the most indirect manner possible and have stopped myself. Partly due to ego, partly because I dont mind being misunderstood. It sometimes works in your favor. Yet when the same pieces of information blasts at you over and over again from sources that you thought had filters you can only stop to rethink whether the sources were really genuine sources or simply reflectors.

This post is not a reply to anything and although the cliched sort of way to end that sentence would be.. that this post is also a reply to a lot of things... I would stop to reconsider whether it is really. For let us think , if I did reply to some questions and opinions put forward. Would that change these opinions or the intent of the questions themselves. Would it be able to make those minds understand what the other side really looks like. Is it worth it at all when one is completely confident in a saturated sort of way that there are intrinsic difference created in our minds , made more prominent by boundaries that we have somehow placed, consciously or unconsciously.

Explanations and justifications of actions are probably the most popular sort of conversations people fall into. Most of such discussions are essentially begun by a simple and so to say innocent question ... why? Both the interrogator and the interviewee really does not recall where the why had sprung out from by the end of the discussion and yet the discussion has been done and conclusions have been reconfirmed, completely neglecting and ignoring any real attempts to change such conclusions, thus completely destroying the essential concept of the interrogation to review facts , and yet reaching a completely superficial satisfaction that the truth has been revealed.

A triangle has three points.
Each of these points actually are connected to two other points. This is an important concept to reitirate because what most people do not understand is that if each of these points considered the arrangement to be such that they could ignore the existence of the third point while interacting with another point, then what would exist is only three lines. and not necessarily a triangle. For a triangle is not made of three lines. But three line segments. Yes... the line segments are part of the lines but that part of the entire line even though being part of a bigger entity has a responsibility to the other point that is not part of the line. For if you wanted to bring the third point too close to the straight line, you would not really achieve to form a triangle that serves any purpose or has a meaning of its own. Yes.. differential calculus would probably allow us to define a straight line containing three points to be a triangle where the height tends to be zero... but its not always that you apply differential calculus to all triangles in life do you ?

A better example would be to draw three straight lines in MSPAINT such that these straight lines are really long lines which some how intersect each other to form a triangle. After you have done that, click the option Fill with Color and try to fill the triangle with some color. What you will see is that the colour remains confined to only the triangle. Undo this. Now try to fill the color outside the triangle. Your entire screen would be coloured but the inside of the triangle will still be empty, white, clean and pure. And thats what really a triangle is. An individual entity to which each of the points, the vertices has equal responsibility to fall in place with the other two lines so that the triangle is complete..

Have we really been paying attention to all such polygons that we have created in our lives. Or have we been coloured by the colour we used to fill the other parts of our life, or somebody else tried to fill the other parts of our life with....

A few really brilliant individuals would understand the exact meaning of this analogy and would question about the existence of the straight line or a point in such a situation.. and its really amazing how this analogy can then lead us to interpret that a straight line segment between two points is not really affected by the colour of the rest of the environment, this being true for a point as well. The line will be differently affected if the line was part or inside a polygon.. a "bounded" region. But otherwise ... its the line between these two points that matter. Its the only reason of their existence as an entity, unlike the case of a polygon, where each different segment matter equally (if its an equilateral)...Remove a side from a rectangle and its open, vulnerable to be adulterated by other colors which probably dont belong there..

Enough for that analogy.......

This post will continue.. maybe not today but definitely by tomorrow and then the day after so that it is complete...

PS: No explanations for any analogies written here would be provided..