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Im in one of those states of mind where if I try to think too hard something will snap. Something inside my mind will just stop working. Not because it was tired or was working all the time, but probably just because it will resign in lieu of my ignorance. My point being, there is something in my mind that is probably getting very angry, very frustrated and very impatient and would soon give up on me and leave or snap, and the irony is I dont know what it is. I have realised that if I genuinely and seriously start a search team inside my mind to find what it is and fix it, it will realise that I dont know where, how and why it exists and this will infuriate it more and it will give up on me faster. So my strategy now is to pretend that I am not focussing on it, so that it thinks I know that it exists but I am not getting time enough to devote to it, and after some days when it becomes more easily identifiable I will spot it and fix it.

The problem is that its very easy to say this but not really so do it in person. I mean I will have to actually survive this gigantic "it"-ch that I have in my mind. I cant seem to know where and why it is and yet I cant try to clean it, or else it will run around in my mind and cause a chaos. Almost like, you can hear that there is a mouse in your room. But you dont want to get up, because at least the noise is coming from the same part of the room and if you get up and try to find it, it will run away and you wont find it again. For those who have actually had both these experiences, such as having a really really itchy itch at a place that you can only try to reach but never actually manage to do so, which only reach in a cm radius from it, or having a mouse in your room, you would know what I am talking about. Its a suspense that you dont like.
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The way I was trying to describe this situation earlier by stating it in my "state-us" message of facebook/orkut was "Parag is in a transition state". Later I realised that I probably had moved on a little bit and was a little less confused. So I changed it to "being in a minima, but not being sure whether it was local or global". This however posed an interesting observation which can be a distracting aside. What happened was that after reading this status message quite a few people asked why I was feeling low. But only few asked me whether I was getting ready to make the jump again. The difference in these two questions were essentially the differences between a nerd and a non-nerd. The first one only gave importance to the word minima. The second one was however more to do with the fact that local minima is only a short dip in the curve as compared to the high peaks around it, but definitely not the lowest point and mostly in a reaction coordinate curve, as mentioned by my transition state comment, a global minima would mean I am still in the process and the next jump would be meaning when I would reach my next transition moment!

phew

I do realise that this blog does not and will not make any solid and productive sense. For just the last half millisecond of the time spent on the last sentence I had the feeling of changing the word from blog to post, but I realised that it does not make a difference, cause I would think the blog as a whole does not make any difference either!

My fingers even though it is almost 10 itch for a guitar to play.

Some of the old cobwebs that I thought I had removed, are still upthere. but I guess the spiders were never really killed. and these are actually new cobwebs. I am not getting time to wipe them out ..